Cartman's Quotes: (Don't read this if you easily get offended)



Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.


Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, 'Bear With Wide Canyon.'
Cartman: What do you mean?
CRW: She is 'Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.'
Cartman: Huh?
CRW: Your mom's a slut.


Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.


Cartman (singing): I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.




Cartman: Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!

Cartman: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don't wnat to shoot anything.


Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Cartman: I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense. 

Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!


Cartman: Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman,
annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!"
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

Cartman: If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Cartman: My mom says if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet

Cartman: I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Cartman: (On Dolphins) (0n Dolphins) Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.

Cartman: Dolphins, eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap.